I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
