so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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