Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
