I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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