every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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