The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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