How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
is it fun? or sober?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
