I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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