Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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