yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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