My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
