I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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