I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
