I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
