you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
