My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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