I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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