Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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