Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
