you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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