You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just found a bag of teeth...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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