is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
