i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
