Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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