Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
