it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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