I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
