i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
