also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
