i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Four minutes until I can fart!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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