Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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