My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So apparently I’m into choking now
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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