You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
