why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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