last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
