omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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