i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
