Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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