I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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