at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
