Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
