We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
