At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
