Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
