I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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