and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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