Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
operation have a gay friend backfired
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
