Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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