Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Randomize
