He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
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