My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
