Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
