Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
