I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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