Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The air taste purple.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
